Digging...

[usernamenumber]

Had a good talk with my boss, who was as understanding and supportive as I'd hoped, about decreasing my stress level at work. This means narrowing my focus, probably to either tools-dev or courseware, but not both. I'll be sad either way, and feel less Awesome professionally, but I need to be satisfied with what I've done and quit setting myself up for burnout when all of my projects hit crunchtime in quick succession (or all at once). Red Hat can be a great place for type-A geeks, the kind that take ownership of the projects that catch their eyes with an interest that borders on gleeful obsession. But the flip side of type-A geekdom in an environment like that is that it's a kid-in-a-candy-store thing, and before you know it you've gorged.

That said, it's not Red Hat, it's me. I've been thinking a lot about the term "stress-addict". It fits. I work best when I'm adrenaline-powered. Or maybe just when I can make a show of how much I'm suffering, how hard I'm working. I'm still teasing things apart, figuring them out, but there are a couple of things I've been aware of for a long time, even if I've only recently articulated them:

- I have worked hard to take advantage of things I was born with that others never got. I can't just enjoy where I am because I feel like I have to compensate for my advantages. If I slack then I'm just luxuriating in Privilege, enjoying something that I don't deserve.

- Once, when I was a teenager, my mom told me that my dad didn't like his job. This possibility had not occurred to me before. She said that he wanted to be an archaeologist, but that he also wanted a family and went into management to better support the family. She only meant to convey to an un-appreciative teen that this was one way he expressed his love for us, but I think the shadow of guilt I felt about that has always been with me, and made it hard for me to feel right "just" enjoying what I do.

It is very weird to actually find myself looking forward to seeing my old therapist.

In news related to the other part of Emofest '09, if I make it through the night, this will be my first time going 24 hours without bawling in about a week. I've been teaching a distance-learning course (as in I control the demo machine remotely and teach via teleconference). This has involved me lecturing, putting the students on lab work, muting the phone and crawling over to my bed to cry for a while before returning to ask, "so, is anyone having problems?". In a couple of days I'm going to read that and it will be funny.

Comments

[breakinglight11.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You're doing some wonderful processing here; for what it's worth, a lot of the things you've worked out in this entry are very powerful to me-- particularly "But the flip side of type-A geekdom in an environment like that is that it's a kid-in-a-candy-store thing, and before you know it you've gorged" metaphor and the idea of having a hard time balancing "sacrifices are made out of love" and "love is made out of sacrifices." And, well, the last part as well.

I hope things get on for you. You're in my prayers.

[manana.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's pretty funny; I think future-you will be duly amused.

I hear you on the "maybe just when I can make a show of how much I'm suffering" thing; dunno how much this applies to you, but being raised with that whole messianic/Arthurian social construct certainly set me up solidly to dwell in that sort of space. Not sure I can give useful advice if that does apply, though, since I think most of what pulled me out of that was spending a month in Kingston, Jamaica (that kind of perspective is really pretty great).

I also hear you on the paternal "shadow of guilt" thing. Again, not sure what to say, though, since it took a near-total rejection of my parents' worldview and values to knock that one loose. Although I think the major player in that was coming to the position that biological "family" doesn't mean jack squat outside of hereditary health concerns (though certainly it is possible to construct a social family out of a biological one; the point being that you are only as obliged/indebted as you care to be toward your biological relatives). YMMV.

[usernamenumber.livejournal.com]

balancing "sacrifices are made out of love" and "love is made out of sacrifices."

Wow, that's a very good way of putting it. Thank you.

[usernamenumber.livejournal.com]

I think most of what pulled me out of that was spending a month in Kingston, Jamaica (that kind of perspective is really pretty great)

I am curious about this, if you'd care to elaborate.

[ultimatepsi.livejournal.com]

Let me offer you the perspective of someone else who is somewhat "stress-powered", in hopes that you might find it useful. I spend a lot of planning effort on maintaining a stress level that is appropriate: Not so low that I lose motivation, not so high that I break down, and of a type that is more inclined to lead to motivation than to break down. That last bit about type has been a recent addition. Things have gotten better since I realized that for me "emergency I have to deal with right now" is "good" stress, but "big complicated problem that will take two weeks to solve" is bad stress. You might want to consider if there are types of stressful things you find are better or worse for you.

[usernamenumber.livejournal.com]

My boss had a similar comment about "stress" vs "distress". Thanks.

[manana.livejournal.com]

Not sure I *can* elaborate, since it's not any one thing . . . and also because it was an experiential issue rather than a rational/logical one . . . but, that said . . .

A lot of it I think was just witnessing what real poverty looks like. And, yeah, horrible things happen . . . but what was probably the biggest kick in the pants for me was how sincerely happy and/or joyful folks seemed to be during those times when the horrible stuff wasn't happening. I guess a lot of it was probably just witnessing how poor and limited my understanding of the human condition was, to be presuming to try to "help" anyone (a sentiment particularly reinforced by the fact that I was supposed to be helping the Unification church proselytize, when deep faith and religiosity, not to mention one more church asking for money, was one of the few things they did have in excess). And, you know, the sheer audacity of ANYONE trying to claim to know what was best for someone else (which is a large part of that whole messianic "suffer to make other people happy" thing).

Also it kinda really drove home the idea that the universe doesn't give a crap about you. Nice people who suffer politely don't get rewarded, at least not in this life; if you want something, you need to go get it yourself. Also, we're really all just so much meat; while you're alive, you're at the mercy of your biological programming, and when you die, you'll be eaten by bugs.

I guess, re-reading some of that, what it really impressed me with is how trivial and unimportant everything really is in the objective "big picture" view. Poverty? Disease? Heartbreak? Stress? So what; the universe is hurtling irreversibly toward its protracted end, and life will be extinguished from existence long, long before any of that happens. Enjoy life while it lasts, because it won't last forever, no matter what you think you've achieved or built or discovered or invented or nurtured. "This too shall pass," and all that. And in that light I think the absurdity of actively seeking suffering becomes pretty clear; it's all going to end whether you suffer or not. Also, suffering is going to come find you whether you go looking for it or not. So enjoy things while you can, and stop waiting for a miracle.

Again, YMMV; it's a bit on the macabre/fatalistic side, but it works for me.

[usernamenumber.livejournal.com]

Thank you. This bears some digestion, but I think we're on similar frequencies..