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usernamenumberThe bad: Still feeling sick. So ready to be done with this pls. Also, missing the Dav already, or more specifically the ability to walk around the corner to Cafe Zing or Bourbon Coffee for a treat.
The good: Got way more than anticipated done with arranging the new place, and super excited about how nice it looks. I partitioned one of the rooms so that we've got a lovely reading room/office separate from the TV room and... holy crap you guys, wait till you see the kitchen. Y'all are not even going to believe it. In short: squee. I am this close to becoming convinced that my True Calling is to be a gay interior designer, but M gently reminded me that I like boobs too much for that. C'est la vie.
The weird: After having run out of Adderall for a week, I'm back on it, now using the "extended release" variety. I have a whole lot of issues wrapped up in accepting the fact that drugs help me a lot. It doesn't help that the reason for both the initial lapse and the change in type is that there's been a(nother) run on the stuff, causing shortages at every local pharmacy. In other words, I'm on the same stuff that everyone and their four year old seems to be on.
I did learn something about how my brain works during the lapse, though. They say that there are two kinds of AD(H)D people: those who are chronically overstimulated, and those who are chronically understimulated. I'd been asked before which I thought I was, and I wasn't able to answer. In retrospect though, I think I'm definitely the latter. When I have trouble concentrating, it's like there are two parts of my brain: an input-seeking part and an input-processing part. The seeking part selects a thing to focus on, does a first-pass analysis (i.e. basic comprehension), and then either hands it off to the processing part for a deeper anylysis (i.e. concentration), or moves to the next input. The seeker likes input and gets very restless very quickly when neither it nor the processor are working on something. Particularly when I'm heavily in ADHD land, it feels a lot like this:
Seriously, that scene comes to mind every time I'm having concentration issues. Now, why would this be bad? Because when I'm in ADHD land, the input-processing part of my brain can't keep up. The balloon keeps bursting, and the input seeker goes nuts looking for something, anything, to feed its self that the processor can keep up with, which is how I end up skimming headlines on linkspam sites, even as I kick myself for wasting time. I know I should be doing something else, like taking a nap, but the seeker is in such a fast loop that it's hard to get an interrupt in so I continue skimming, and kicking myself, for what feels like forever. In other news, should I be bothered by how readily my brain seems to lend its self to computer analogies?
Anyway, this is where things get complicated, and is part of why I feel so sketchy treating these issues with medication. I'm sure that my being chronically underslept has a lot to do with my input-processor having near-zero stamina much of the time. I mean, look at this crap:
How could it not?
The thing is, I've had these kinds of sleep issues all my life. They're related to my hyperactivity, and the fact is that they're probably going to continue to be a part of my life whether I like it or not. Things like good sleep hygene help, and some of the problems are self-induced (can you spot 7V and Intercon on the graph above?), but it's always going to be an issue in one way or another, especially if I want to have a life outside of ensuring that I get 8+ hours of sleep every night.
There are other things I've found helpful, like listening to music that has a lot going on (hence my go-to playlists at work being trance techno and death metal). I think these help because they keep the input-seeker busy... but they're just not enough by themselves.
So, on the one hand it seems sensible to accept the problem and then address it. On the other hand, it's hard not to feel sketchy when you feel like you're kind of using prescription speed to offset the effects of you not just getting in the damn bed and staying in the damn bed for reasonable amounts of time.
But on the third, bigger-at-least-for-now hand, it really does work. At least most of the time. I still have bad days, and nothing is ever as good for my concentration as a mid-day nap, but the drugs don't so much prevent my input-seeker from going haywire as allow my input-processor to keep up with it juuust enough for me to say "no" to going into "MORE INPUT NOW" mode. It doesn't prevent me from saying "yes" when I want to take a break, but it does allow the input-seeker be satisfied enough with the rate of data throughput to settle down and deal when I need it to.
So there we are. After an incredibly frustrating week of being hit over the head repeatedly by just how useless I can be when I'm not on drugs, I got my prescription filled mid-week last week and have been doing better since. It's probably silly to feel shame about this, but I'm a male who grew up admiring Spock and in the LDS church; I don't think there's a better recipe for mind-over-matter, "if you were stronger/more responsible/more disciplined you wouldn't need drugs" baggage.
Anyway, lest I sound like a complete whinypants I am doing ok. I've just been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with ADHD/medication/etc. I think I'm both glad for the fact that I'm on it now and for the fact that my parents didn't put me on it as a kid (it was actually only a few years ago that I got frustrated enough to seek out a diagnosis/prescription). I've also been thinking some about whether I would change the way my brain works if I could, and I'm pretty sure the answer is a solid no.
See, there are also some real silver linings to the ADHD cloud. When I'm hyperfocussed, that is, when the input-seeker and input-processor are keeping up with one another, I can be amazingly productive, and I'm fortunate enough to work in an industry with enough interesting problems to trigger that hyperfocus enough for me to have had a reasonably successful career despite everything. I'm also convinced that my ability to improvise and do high-energy characterizations are related to that hyperfocus. Something about that mode of interaction just seems to trigger it, and I get energy out of nowhere and just sort of... go with it. And I love that.
So, ok, this post got way longer than I'd expected (I actually started out only intending to write about the household stuff but I, err... seem to have gotten distracted...) so, now back to work with me.
The good: Got way more than anticipated done with arranging the new place, and super excited about how nice it looks. I partitioned one of the rooms so that we've got a lovely reading room/office separate from the TV room and... holy crap you guys, wait till you see the kitchen. Y'all are not even going to believe it. In short: squee. I am this close to becoming convinced that my True Calling is to be a gay interior designer, but M gently reminded me that I like boobs too much for that. C'est la vie.
The weird: After having run out of Adderall for a week, I'm back on it, now using the "extended release" variety. I have a whole lot of issues wrapped up in accepting the fact that drugs help me a lot. It doesn't help that the reason for both the initial lapse and the change in type is that there's been a(nother) run on the stuff, causing shortages at every local pharmacy. In other words, I'm on the same stuff that everyone and their four year old seems to be on.
I did learn something about how my brain works during the lapse, though. They say that there are two kinds of AD(H)D people: those who are chronically overstimulated, and those who are chronically understimulated. I'd been asked before which I thought I was, and I wasn't able to answer. In retrospect though, I think I'm definitely the latter. When I have trouble concentrating, it's like there are two parts of my brain: an input-seeking part and an input-processing part. The seeking part selects a thing to focus on, does a first-pass analysis (i.e. basic comprehension), and then either hands it off to the processing part for a deeper anylysis (i.e. concentration), or moves to the next input. The seeker likes input and gets very restless very quickly when neither it nor the processor are working on something. Particularly when I'm heavily in ADHD land, it feels a lot like this:
Seriously, that scene comes to mind every time I'm having concentration issues. Now, why would this be bad? Because when I'm in ADHD land, the input-processing part of my brain can't keep up. The balloon keeps bursting, and the input seeker goes nuts looking for something, anything, to feed its self that the processor can keep up with, which is how I end up skimming headlines on linkspam sites, even as I kick myself for wasting time. I know I should be doing something else, like taking a nap, but the seeker is in such a fast loop that it's hard to get an interrupt in so I continue skimming, and kicking myself, for what feels like forever. In other news, should I be bothered by how readily my brain seems to lend its self to computer analogies?
Anyway, this is where things get complicated, and is part of why I feel so sketchy treating these issues with medication. I'm sure that my being chronically underslept has a lot to do with my input-processor having near-zero stamina much of the time. I mean, look at this crap:
How could it not?
The thing is, I've had these kinds of sleep issues all my life. They're related to my hyperactivity, and the fact is that they're probably going to continue to be a part of my life whether I like it or not. Things like good sleep hygene help, and some of the problems are self-induced (can you spot 7V and Intercon on the graph above?), but it's always going to be an issue in one way or another, especially if I want to have a life outside of ensuring that I get 8+ hours of sleep every night.
There are other things I've found helpful, like listening to music that has a lot going on (hence my go-to playlists at work being trance techno and death metal). I think these help because they keep the input-seeker busy... but they're just not enough by themselves.
So, on the one hand it seems sensible to accept the problem and then address it. On the other hand, it's hard not to feel sketchy when you feel like you're kind of using prescription speed to offset the effects of you not just getting in the damn bed and staying in the damn bed for reasonable amounts of time.
But on the third, bigger-at-least-for-now hand, it really does work. At least most of the time. I still have bad days, and nothing is ever as good for my concentration as a mid-day nap, but the drugs don't so much prevent my input-seeker from going haywire as allow my input-processor to keep up with it juuust enough for me to say "no" to going into "MORE INPUT NOW" mode. It doesn't prevent me from saying "yes" when I want to take a break, but it does allow the input-seeker be satisfied enough with the rate of data throughput to settle down and deal when I need it to.
So there we are. After an incredibly frustrating week of being hit over the head repeatedly by just how useless I can be when I'm not on drugs, I got my prescription filled mid-week last week and have been doing better since. It's probably silly to feel shame about this, but I'm a male who grew up admiring Spock and in the LDS church; I don't think there's a better recipe for mind-over-matter, "if you were stronger/more responsible/more disciplined you wouldn't need drugs" baggage.
Anyway, lest I sound like a complete whinypants I am doing ok. I've just been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with ADHD/medication/etc. I think I'm both glad for the fact that I'm on it now and for the fact that my parents didn't put me on it as a kid (it was actually only a few years ago that I got frustrated enough to seek out a diagnosis/prescription). I've also been thinking some about whether I would change the way my brain works if I could, and I'm pretty sure the answer is a solid no.
See, there are also some real silver linings to the ADHD cloud. When I'm hyperfocussed, that is, when the input-seeker and input-processor are keeping up with one another, I can be amazingly productive, and I'm fortunate enough to work in an industry with enough interesting problems to trigger that hyperfocus enough for me to have had a reasonably successful career despite everything. I'm also convinced that my ability to improvise and do high-energy characterizations are related to that hyperfocus. Something about that mode of interaction just seems to trigger it, and I get energy out of nowhere and just sort of... go with it. And I love that.
So, ok, this post got way longer than I'd expected (I actually started out only intending to write about the household stuff but I, err... seem to have gotten distracted...) so, now back to work with me.
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no subject
Date: 2012-03-12 04:25 pm (UTC)Re the rest: while on a different axis, I totally hear and feel ya here on feeling weird about requiring drugs to function properly. Stupid brain juices.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-12 04:36 pm (UTC)...that's pretty much all I have to say here.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-12 04:39 pm (UTC)Perhaps I should amend it to "being able to go around the corner to Shaws/CVS/Tags whenever I need something that is not a treat". ;)
no subject
Date: 2012-03-12 07:54 pm (UTC)Consider practicing gratitude toward meds if they make you feel guilty or sad. You are lucky that drugs work for you. You are lucky that there is something you can do on days you can't focus properly that can smooth out your performance and bridge the gap between your best days and your worst. Heck, you're probably lucky that you think more differenter from other people too. (That was all by way of sayin, it's important to acknowledge the negative but also grow the positive.)
Boo for sick, yaay for moving successes!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-12 08:47 pm (UTC)Seriously, artificial lights and after-dark socialization have wrought huge changes on our bodies and societies. Now that I've got the CPAP machine, my sleep schedule was gloriously predictable the week I was camping alone out in the desert in a campground without electricity or running water and had to be back in the park before nightfall. There partly it was that without light it was really boring once I got back to the park, so it was much easier to go crawl into the tent, because what else was I going to do? I am not really sure how to achieve the same effect in the city, and especially how to hold down a job, get enough social interaction, and still get a reasonable night's sleep.
There is really nothing I love better than the feeling of being overwhelmed with information I'm fully engaged with, trying to absorb it all and turn it into something productive. LARPs can induce that state, the right work under the right circumstances can, various MMOs and things can. And it seems like I need something like that in my life to keep me engaged -- if I'm too understimulated I start triggering on all sorts of random questionably-useful things, getting hyperfocused on cleaning out the mold from behind the sink or whatever, sort of like an allergy. Or skimming linkspam sites for hours just for that inevitably-insufficient novelty hit. And then I don't go to bed because I can just keep feeding more stimulation at myself, hoping to give it enough, until my body actually shuts down and says, "you may not be sufficiently stimulated, but you need to sleep NOW," usually between 4-6 AM.
Speaking of managing my stimulation level... I should go deal with those e-mails, shouldn't I? Ugh.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-12 09:46 pm (UTC)I definitely find that the two categories of ADHD people is true. ADHD is quite a broad diagnosis, and everyone with the diagnosis processes things in different ways and has different needs. Myself, I'm of the chronically overstimulated variety. I have some sensory integration issues in addition (but related to) the ADHD, so that certainly doesn't help with the overstimulation. I could never ever live downtown for this reason, or probably even in Harvard Square area of Cambridge. I live between Porter and Davis in Somerville, which is pretty quiet and calm but still city-like enough to have a sense of community and fun things to do. It's a good compromise for me.
I also struggle wrapping my mind around the fact that I need medication. I rationalize it that the medication is not making me a different person, but rather the opposite...it allows me to be fully my best and functional self. I am not really myself without my medication, at least not currently.
Regarding interior decorating: I'd love to see your place sometime. It sounds nifty. And who says you need to be gay to go into interior design as a male? ;-) (I know stereotypically, it's mostly women and gay men, but there are no rules against straight men entering the profession. And hey, if you're good at it and enjoy it, what the hell!) I also much enjoy interior design, but sadly haven't gotten around to decorating the Looking Glass yet. But oh, it will happen, will it ever...muahaha. ;-)
no subject
Date: 2012-03-14 08:17 pm (UTC)And I totally feel you on the drugs issue. I wish I had the energy of hyperactivity to go with my inattentive ADD, but alas, I do not. What I struggle with is the idea that if I were just less lazy, more willing to actually work hard for something, I wouldn't need amphetamines to get me out of bed in the morning. And I don't necessarily like what the drugs do to me. I do not process information as quickly or creatively when I am medicated. I think I am, in fact, dumber. But I'm a dumber person who doesn't fall into a pit of despair if I have to do anything mundane or menial. And I can go to parties now, without being completely overwhelmed or bored out of my mind or both, which is nice.
The adderall shortage totally tweaked my drug insecurities too. The idea of being dependent on medication freaks me out, and being dependent on a medication I couldn't reliably get was intolerable. I'm interested to know what you think of the long-acting stuff. I used to prefer the short-acting because I could take it when and only when I needed it, and the ups and downs reminded me that I was on a medication and that medication was having an effect. I'm on Vyvanse now, which I've discovered I must take daily so that my body adjusts and I don't feel like my heart is going to explode when I drink coffee. So now I'm medicated 12 hours a day, every day. I'm not entirely sure that's healthy, but it does mean I get my work done.