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usernamenumberThe bad: Still feeling sick. So ready to be done with this pls. Also, missing the Dav already, or more specifically the ability to walk around the corner to Cafe Zing or Bourbon Coffee for a treat.
The good: Got way more than anticipated done with arranging the new place, and super excited about how nice it looks. I partitioned one of the rooms so that we've got a lovely reading room/office separate from the TV room and... holy crap you guys, wait till you see the kitchen. Y'all are not even going to believe it. In short: squee. I am this close to becoming convinced that my True Calling is to be a gay interior designer, but M gently reminded me that I like boobs too much for that. C'est la vie.
The weird: After having run out of Adderall for a week, I'm back on it, now using the "extended release" variety. I have a whole lot of issues wrapped up in accepting the fact that drugs help me a lot. It doesn't help that the reason for both the initial lapse and the change in type is that there's been a(nother) run on the stuff, causing shortages at every local pharmacy. In other words, I'm on the same stuff that everyone and their four year old seems to be on.
I did learn something about how my brain works during the lapse, though. They say that there are two kinds of AD(H)D people: those who are chronically overstimulated, and those who are chronically understimulated. I'd been asked before which I thought I was, and I wasn't able to answer. In retrospect though, I think I'm definitely the latter. When I have trouble concentrating, it's like there are two parts of my brain: an input-seeking part and an input-processing part. The seeking part selects a thing to focus on, does a first-pass analysis (i.e. basic comprehension), and then either hands it off to the processing part for a deeper anylysis (i.e. concentration), or moves to the next input. The seeker likes input and gets very restless very quickly when neither it nor the processor are working on something. Particularly when I'm heavily in ADHD land, it feels a lot like this:
Seriously, that scene comes to mind every time I'm having concentration issues. Now, why would this be bad? Because when I'm in ADHD land, the input-processing part of my brain can't keep up. The balloon keeps bursting, and the input seeker goes nuts looking for something, anything, to feed its self that the processor can keep up with, which is how I end up skimming headlines on linkspam sites, even as I kick myself for wasting time. I know I should be doing something else, like taking a nap, but the seeker is in such a fast loop that it's hard to get an interrupt in so I continue skimming, and kicking myself, for what feels like forever. In other news, should I be bothered by how readily my brain seems to lend its self to computer analogies?
Anyway, this is where things get complicated, and is part of why I feel so sketchy treating these issues with medication. I'm sure that my being chronically underslept has a lot to do with my input-processor having near-zero stamina much of the time. I mean, look at this crap:
How could it not?
The thing is, I've had these kinds of sleep issues all my life. They're related to my hyperactivity, and the fact is that they're probably going to continue to be a part of my life whether I like it or not. Things like good sleep hygene help, and some of the problems are self-induced (can you spot 7V and Intercon on the graph above?), but it's always going to be an issue in one way or another, especially if I want to have a life outside of ensuring that I get 8+ hours of sleep every night.
There are other things I've found helpful, like listening to music that has a lot going on (hence my go-to playlists at work being trance techno and death metal). I think these help because they keep the input-seeker busy... but they're just not enough by themselves.
So, on the one hand it seems sensible to accept the problem and then address it. On the other hand, it's hard not to feel sketchy when you feel like you're kind of using prescription speed to offset the effects of you not just getting in the damn bed and staying in the damn bed for reasonable amounts of time.
But on the third, bigger-at-least-for-now hand, it really does work. At least most of the time. I still have bad days, and nothing is ever as good for my concentration as a mid-day nap, but the drugs don't so much prevent my input-seeker from going haywire as allow my input-processor to keep up with it juuust enough for me to say "no" to going into "MORE INPUT NOW" mode. It doesn't prevent me from saying "yes" when I want to take a break, but it does allow the input-seeker be satisfied enough with the rate of data throughput to settle down and deal when I need it to.
So there we are. After an incredibly frustrating week of being hit over the head repeatedly by just how useless I can be when I'm not on drugs, I got my prescription filled mid-week last week and have been doing better since. It's probably silly to feel shame about this, but I'm a male who grew up admiring Spock and in the LDS church; I don't think there's a better recipe for mind-over-matter, "if you were stronger/more responsible/more disciplined you wouldn't need drugs" baggage.
Anyway, lest I sound like a complete whinypants I am doing ok. I've just been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with ADHD/medication/etc. I think I'm both glad for the fact that I'm on it now and for the fact that my parents didn't put me on it as a kid (it was actually only a few years ago that I got frustrated enough to seek out a diagnosis/prescription). I've also been thinking some about whether I would change the way my brain works if I could, and I'm pretty sure the answer is a solid no.
See, there are also some real silver linings to the ADHD cloud. When I'm hyperfocussed, that is, when the input-seeker and input-processor are keeping up with one another, I can be amazingly productive, and I'm fortunate enough to work in an industry with enough interesting problems to trigger that hyperfocus enough for me to have had a reasonably successful career despite everything. I'm also convinced that my ability to improvise and do high-energy characterizations are related to that hyperfocus. Something about that mode of interaction just seems to trigger it, and I get energy out of nowhere and just sort of... go with it. And I love that.
So, ok, this post got way longer than I'd expected (I actually started out only intending to write about the household stuff but I, err... seem to have gotten distracted...) so, now back to work with me.
The good: Got way more than anticipated done with arranging the new place, and super excited about how nice it looks. I partitioned one of the rooms so that we've got a lovely reading room/office separate from the TV room and... holy crap you guys, wait till you see the kitchen. Y'all are not even going to believe it. In short: squee. I am this close to becoming convinced that my True Calling is to be a gay interior designer, but M gently reminded me that I like boobs too much for that. C'est la vie.
The weird: After having run out of Adderall for a week, I'm back on it, now using the "extended release" variety. I have a whole lot of issues wrapped up in accepting the fact that drugs help me a lot. It doesn't help that the reason for both the initial lapse and the change in type is that there's been a(nother) run on the stuff, causing shortages at every local pharmacy. In other words, I'm on the same stuff that everyone and their four year old seems to be on.
I did learn something about how my brain works during the lapse, though. They say that there are two kinds of AD(H)D people: those who are chronically overstimulated, and those who are chronically understimulated. I'd been asked before which I thought I was, and I wasn't able to answer. In retrospect though, I think I'm definitely the latter. When I have trouble concentrating, it's like there are two parts of my brain: an input-seeking part and an input-processing part. The seeking part selects a thing to focus on, does a first-pass analysis (i.e. basic comprehension), and then either hands it off to the processing part for a deeper anylysis (i.e. concentration), or moves to the next input. The seeker likes input and gets very restless very quickly when neither it nor the processor are working on something. Particularly when I'm heavily in ADHD land, it feels a lot like this:
Seriously, that scene comes to mind every time I'm having concentration issues. Now, why would this be bad? Because when I'm in ADHD land, the input-processing part of my brain can't keep up. The balloon keeps bursting, and the input seeker goes nuts looking for something, anything, to feed its self that the processor can keep up with, which is how I end up skimming headlines on linkspam sites, even as I kick myself for wasting time. I know I should be doing something else, like taking a nap, but the seeker is in such a fast loop that it's hard to get an interrupt in so I continue skimming, and kicking myself, for what feels like forever. In other news, should I be bothered by how readily my brain seems to lend its self to computer analogies?
Anyway, this is where things get complicated, and is part of why I feel so sketchy treating these issues with medication. I'm sure that my being chronically underslept has a lot to do with my input-processor having near-zero stamina much of the time. I mean, look at this crap:
How could it not?
The thing is, I've had these kinds of sleep issues all my life. They're related to my hyperactivity, and the fact is that they're probably going to continue to be a part of my life whether I like it or not. Things like good sleep hygene help, and some of the problems are self-induced (can you spot 7V and Intercon on the graph above?), but it's always going to be an issue in one way or another, especially if I want to have a life outside of ensuring that I get 8+ hours of sleep every night.
There are other things I've found helpful, like listening to music that has a lot going on (hence my go-to playlists at work being trance techno and death metal). I think these help because they keep the input-seeker busy... but they're just not enough by themselves.
So, on the one hand it seems sensible to accept the problem and then address it. On the other hand, it's hard not to feel sketchy when you feel like you're kind of using prescription speed to offset the effects of you not just getting in the damn bed and staying in the damn bed for reasonable amounts of time.
But on the third, bigger-at-least-for-now hand, it really does work. At least most of the time. I still have bad days, and nothing is ever as good for my concentration as a mid-day nap, but the drugs don't so much prevent my input-seeker from going haywire as allow my input-processor to keep up with it juuust enough for me to say "no" to going into "MORE INPUT NOW" mode. It doesn't prevent me from saying "yes" when I want to take a break, but it does allow the input-seeker be satisfied enough with the rate of data throughput to settle down and deal when I need it to.
So there we are. After an incredibly frustrating week of being hit over the head repeatedly by just how useless I can be when I'm not on drugs, I got my prescription filled mid-week last week and have been doing better since. It's probably silly to feel shame about this, but I'm a male who grew up admiring Spock and in the LDS church; I don't think there's a better recipe for mind-over-matter, "if you were stronger/more responsible/more disciplined you wouldn't need drugs" baggage.
Anyway, lest I sound like a complete whinypants I am doing ok. I've just been thinking a lot lately about my relationship with ADHD/medication/etc. I think I'm both glad for the fact that I'm on it now and for the fact that my parents didn't put me on it as a kid (it was actually only a few years ago that I got frustrated enough to seek out a diagnosis/prescription). I've also been thinking some about whether I would change the way my brain works if I could, and I'm pretty sure the answer is a solid no.
See, there are also some real silver linings to the ADHD cloud. When I'm hyperfocussed, that is, when the input-seeker and input-processor are keeping up with one another, I can be amazingly productive, and I'm fortunate enough to work in an industry with enough interesting problems to trigger that hyperfocus enough for me to have had a reasonably successful career despite everything. I'm also convinced that my ability to improvise and do high-energy characterizations are related to that hyperfocus. Something about that mode of interaction just seems to trigger it, and I get energy out of nowhere and just sort of... go with it. And I love that.
So, ok, this post got way longer than I'd expected (I actually started out only intending to write about the household stuff but I, err... seem to have gotten distracted...) so, now back to work with me.
