#@#$%ing insomnia!

[usernamenumber]

Bed at 12:10, sleep at 3:30-4. Awake at 7:45. 10mg melatonin. Sleep mask stayed affixed. White-noise machine on. No light. No unusual sounds (afaik). Awake anyway.

I have no idea what could have brought this one on other than caffeine+add med around 2pm (it can't be that either has that much affect on me, right? -- I know I at least felt the caffeine crash) and biking home late (arrived around 11:40). Geez, maybe that was it. Health problems induced by exercise. Ha ha, universe.

Man, I am gonna be so fubar today. Ugh, I give up*.

Might as well have one more try at getting back to sleep now that I've griped.

* not really, it just helps to say that sometimes.

Comments

[usernamenumber.livejournal.com]

It's not really a rushing stream of thoughts. Not usually, anyway. Sometimes I'm in hyperfocus mode and can't stop thinking about a programming problem or something like that, but usually, and right now (*points at timestamp*), it's all physical, like a tingling of nervous energy all through my body, but most particularly in my chest and upper arms. That's the best way I can describe it. Sometimes the only thought going through my mind is this awareness that I am AWAKE, like I got my second wind right as I should have been transitioning into unconsciousness. The big realization I've had recently in therapy is that I've had this trio of issues: hyperactivity, fatigue and depression, for as long as I can remember. And I mean that literally; I recently realized that one of my earliest memories is, I think, me trying to articulate to my mother that I was feeling depressed and anxious. The three exacerbate one another and have been such a fundamental part of my experience that I am only just starting to realize the significance and scope of the effect they have on me.

This might not be a fair question, but you've known me for a long time. Particularly based on your recollections of high school, does this scan with your image of me? Another thing I know about myself is that what I think is The Answer, however much it makes sense one moment, tends to become less convincing the next moment, so I don't know how confident to be in this assessment.

Gonna try again to go to sleep. Have work, a performance, possible trip into town, and a number of possibly good, but possibly emotionally trying social interactions on the agenda for tomorrow. ...by which I mean thanks for the sympathy, I'm really hating this right now, so it's nice to have.