More observations on sleep

[usernamenumber]

Went to bed around 1:30 this morning. Went to sleep around 4. The first bit is my fault. Went out and had a good time when I knew I was too tired and should have just stayed in. This is a bad habit Y'all (and I include the greater Camberville area in general in this) suck for being so fun and interesting. =:P On a related note, if you are a fan of Jim's Big Ego, The Ego and The Oracle is funtimes. I don't even really know the band and I had a good time nonetheless.

Thanks to the people who pinged me on IM when they saw me on. If I'm ever offline and then come back on at an unholy hour, it's likely because I've given up on sleeping for a while, in which case company is generally welcome. To help me sleep, arachne8x was kind enough to point me to a guided meditation that she uses for sleep and pain management. It basically walks its way up your body talking about relaxing each part in turn. Partway through, though, I was struck with an old, old memory that distracted me too much to continue. When I was a little kid, my mom used to do almost the exact same thing to help me sleep. She'd stroke my hair and say "relax your eyes.... now relax your mouth...." etc to try and get me calm enough to sleep, which means that I've been having this sort of problem literally for as long as I can remember. I hadn't forgotten that meditation, so much as not really let in its implications. I have had a bad relationship with sleep my entire life, and that relationship has been so ubiquitous that I haven't really appreciated how pervasive an effect it's had on me.

In addition to going to bed at 4am, here I am posting on lj at 8:50 because I woke up at 8:30 anyway. I think that's actually the biggest problem. Insomnia is still a relatively rare problem for me, though I have noticed it growing lately, but I can almost never sleep in. No matter how much sleep I get, when I am up, I am up, full of nervous energy. I've tended to blame waking up early on sensitivity to light, but last night I actually managed to arrange my sleep mask so that it stayed on and actually blocked out all light. I still woke up.

Mr. T says it's an ADHD thing, and recommends setting a regular bedtime. I think you've all read me whining enough to know why I am upset about this. I don't think there's any way in hell I'd be able to do a 10p bed time, but maybe I'll try 11p for a while... oh but wait, a housemate is having a party here tonight, and then I have game every Tuesday, and friggin tech week for pmrp next week... I'd have to give up such a huge chunk of my life to make that work, and that's not even taking into account dating and whatnot.

The really frustrating thing is that my work schedule, most weeks, at least, gives me the flexibility to set my own hours, so there is no reason I couldn't sleep from, say, midnight to 8a or 1a to 10a except that my body doesn't seem to want to let me. Gah, so frustrating. I've considered drugs, but Mr. T also says that sleep meds tend to knock you out, but not actually give you restful sleep, so that might be a dead-end anyway.

In any case, I really think sleep is at the root of the "run ragged" phenomenon. I have issues with stress and work and all that, but the more I think about them, the more I see them as symptoms and/or coping mechanisms. They're ways to get a rush, to run on adrenaline as a substitute for sleep. Plus I've known for years that my sleep affects my mood. There are times when I can feel depression almost literally creeping across my mind and my heart as fatigue sets in. The "I can't do this any more" feelings that sweep over me are really saying "I'm too tired, emotionally and/or physically, to do this any more" (just in case that sounds suicidal, let me be clear that it's not that bad). I mentioned earlier that it recently struck me that in high school, my default answer to "how are you?" was a cheerful but resigned "tired". Hell, the reason I got to know Sequoia in college is that she was the only other person on IM at 3am, so we'd talk and then meet up and explore the campus while we had it all to ourselves. The root of the problem is not work because the root of the problem predates work.

There are a couple of things that I think it's feasible for me to start doing to address this now:

1) Take more naps. I've only recently started being able to do this physically, but I am getting better at it. Earlier in the week, I snuck in an hour nap between work and rehearsal and experienced the first genuinely good mood I'd had for about a month.

2) If I'm not consistently going to bed early, I do need to at least declare "chill" evenings when I need them. I had a great time with the folks I went to the show with last night, and was glad for the company and conversation, but in retrospect it was a mistake. That show wasn't hugely important to me, I totally could have skipped it, but I was feeling bummed and wanted something to do, so I went out and found something. I need to resist that urge more often and give myself a recovery evening, where I get all my stuff done early and then go to bed, even though the depression makes me want to seek out sensation instead. So excuse me in advance if I do this to you some time. It's nothing personal.

Ok, so, there's my Ranty McRantyrant for the morning. The plan for today is breakfast, work, nap, work, party, and then try to get to bed relatively early if the noise level isn't too high, which I don't expect to be a problem. If I can deal with even some of this problem by enforcing naps and the occasional chill night, I think that could be a big step forward.

Comments

[emp42ress.livejournal.com]

Have you considered trying melatonin to shift your sleep schedule? A combination of actual dark and a melatonin regimen might allow you to shift your natural sleep cycle a little later.

[usernamenumber.livejournal.com]

I have been told that melatonin will help you get to sleep, but not stay to sleep, which is my more consistent problem. Do you have a different experience of it?

[emp42ress.livejournal.com]

So, these days, they sell time release, which is more like what your body is supposed to be getting naturally. The concept is that if you use it consistently for a few weeks it can actually reset your circadian rhythm. If your body wakes up on its own at a relatively set time, it might help that. If it's more erratic, it probably won't address that. I haven't done it myself, but I have heard about people for whom it works. I don't know the likelihood, but it could be worth a try.

[breakinglight11.livejournal.com]

Jared has had some success with melatonin in resetting his sleep schedule. It isn't perfect, but it helps.

[contradictacat.livejournal.com]

Naps are amazing, and I don't even normally have terrible issues with sleep. The only key is making sure you get the right length nap- sometimes they turn into small sleeps and you wake up even more tired and lethargic than before. I usually fix this by napping in public areas so at least noise and people and light will wake me up once I stop being tired enough to nap, but YMMV.

::hugs:: and it's not chill at all, but there's a contra dance/Celidh dance that's happening today and I might go to it before coming home for the party, if you want to come with. Physical exertion may help with the sleep thing, at least a little, and boy howdy is contra dancing good physical exertion.

[slyviolet.livejournal.com]

Every time you mention Mr. T giving you advice, I see

[rubicantoto.livejournal.com]

Well, the man pictured did have a song and music video, "Treat Your Mother Right". Which probably qualifies him to be a therapist from the Freudian camp.

[slyviolet.livejournal.com]

And he pities the Fool, which makes him an ideal Jungian analyst!