May. 6th, 2007

Last night's party was much, much niceness. Got to talk to talk to lots of people, including several new folks that I hadn't gotten to chat with before. Got to do much cuddling and scritching, something that I really haven't done much of before. I've tended to have a real personal boundary around that kind of thing, mostly because I didn't think I could trust myself to stay in a platonic mindset about it, but I guess I'm finally maturing to the point where I'm able to relax and just enjoy both the sympathetic sensation of making someone else feel nice and that of being made to feel nice myself ('bout damn time).

I've always walked this line where I've been more sexually conservative than almost all of my friends and I'm ok with that. I don't really want that to change because it's my comfort zone and I'm, well, comfortable with it. But being more ok with platonic touch is something I'm glad to see myself finally loosening up over.

Had an interesting personal realization while everyone was playing Truth or Dare around 4am. I found myself hoping that someone would ask me a really juicy question that would allow me to disclose something important. There wasn't anything in particular that I wanted to disclose, and in fact most of my answers to the questions I did get were kind of meh, but found myself really wanting to... connect and share something intimate. This is not something I normally do. After everyone had left I was talking to [ profile] choose_again and in remarking on this, realized that I think I actually feel safer with a group than I do with an individual. With the exception of hostile cliques, groups tend to self-regulate. If you get in trouble and know how to send the right signals, you can usually get someone to come to your aide, or at least the chances of finding one's self in conflict with 100% of the other people in the room is less significant. Thus, I realized that I think I am more comfortable opening up (under appropriate circumstances) in public than in private. Reflecting on it now, I think being in my own house helped too. When I superimpose the same scene over an unfamiliar environment, the feeling of security diminishes. So familiarity + witnesses = security. Not sure just how healthy that is, but it's interesting (to me, at least) to note. And now it's recorded for posterity. Huzzah and all that.

Everybody finally left the party around 5am and I slept until around 9, when my brain said "Ooh look! Daylight! Shiny! That means you can get up and do stuff, right? Wheee!".

Sometimes I hate my brain.

Oh well, I guess that's the downside of the social-high: the buzz lingers even when inconvenient. If I can just stay concious until this evening (without eating my body weight in cake and snacks to do it) I can go to bed early and try to set my schedule right again.



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