usernamenumber | Angsty McAngstypants Angsts Again

I need to get this out, though whether I decide to actually post it or not is another matter entirely.

I am not dealing well with

juldea and I's breakup, and I am not dealing well with her starting another serious relationship. There, I said it. I don't want to feel this way, and I don't expect my behavior toward

juldea and

zombie_dog to be anything but respectful and supportive, and I do not want to withdraw from either of them friend-wise or otherwise cause drama, but whether I like it or not, I am still not dealing well. Maybe saying that and ~~whinging about it~~ processing some will help. In any case, this is a post about me, not about them.

I have been deeply, deeply lonely lately, and in the last few weeks there have been a series of things that have each knocked me a notch lower, none of them due to actions I fault anyone for taking (and all on top of work and the usual background stressors, which I need to remember not to discount). First,

juldea decided to start seeing someone casually. She talked to me about it beforehand because she wanted to check in about how it would make me feel, and didn't want to do something that would drive me away from her as a friend. I was honored, touched, said it would hurt but that that was my issue, which I would own and deal with, and I meant it. The casual relationship has quickly become more serious and... that hurt more. Surprisingly more. Then she said that in this relationship she is trying something new: being more assertive, saying what she wants more often, being more honest, and... I'm running out of adequate synonyms for "ow", because If I ever made a list of the things I most want in a partner, those would near the top. They're things I was trying to encourage in her.

I remember once when she talked to me about her ex doing something thoughtful for his new girlfriend that she didn't think he'd have done for her, I told her about how when I played in bands in high school, I noticed that with every new band I joined my playing suddenly improved. There were techniques and insights I'd pick up while playing with the old band, often without noticing, but because we had an established sound, they never got out until I started afresh with a new band and suddenly the changes were able to manifest. I told her that I think the same thing is true of relationships. It's totally unfair, it hurts like hell to watch, but in a lot of ways you prepare your exes to be better partners to whoever they're with next than they were with you. That nugget of wisdom is biting me in the ass now.

I'm feeling this weird mix of jealousy and envy, along with the just-plain-lonely-and-depressed. The part of me that still misses her in particular is jealous, and the part of me that is just lonely in general is envious. Hanging out with groups of friends has helped take my mind off of things, and thanks to everyone who's been there for me, whether they knew what was going on or not, but that only helps for a while. Last night I had a great time, and I posted about how I was starting to feel better. That lasted all of a few hours, then I just... ran out of cope again and started crying (helped along by some other lj-stuff, the meaning of which I haven't fully processed). I know the insomnia, which persists, is contributing to the depression and lack of cope (a friend recommends Ambien-- anyone else want to comment on that?), but I think it is also being fuelled by the depression. Vicious cycle. I lay down and without wanting to I imagine her there next to me, only it isn't really her, it's an idealized version of her, and I catch myself treating the past like a panacea, saying to myself "Things were perfect then. You weren't depressed then.", which is bullshit.

...but things were better then, and I was depressed less then and I had someone who could just hold me then. And there's the big question: is this thing I'm missing so badly her, or just someone to be there at all? Well, no, that's not it. It's never as simple as one thing or another, of course it's some mix of both. Life's complicated that way. Regardless, I don't want to be that clingy guy who neeeeds his partner, and when I feel myself trending that way I get a dose of self-disgust to help out the depression. The weird thing is that when we were dating, I keep reminding myself, I wasn't like that... or at least I don't think I was. I remember liking the sense that we could depend on one another, but weren't dependant upon one another. I also remember wishing at times that we saw each other less so that I would have more cycles to spend on other things, and hell, I remember times when I wondered about other fish in the sea, and whether this relationship I was in was the right one for me. I have to keep reminding myself of this to fend off the rose-colored scrapbooking my mind seems to want to do by default.

I find myself conflating the parts of me that miss her and those that are just lonely in general. I can tell that I'm doing it, but I can't tell the proportions and I can't make it stop. I don't feel like I'm going to be fit to be in a relationship until I no longer feel such a depth of loss and loneliness when I'm on my own. And yet I ask myself, am I being too hard on myself? Is it wisdom to say that this is not a hole you can fill with someone else, and to treat this as an opportunity to... to do I-don't-know-what about it? Or am I trying to be a Vulcan again, and denying the fact that I am a social animal, that it's normal to want emotional and physical intimacy and to seek those things out, and that the only way to get over the past is to get on with the damn future? And if that, then how? I don't think I'm ready for another serious relationship, lest I involve someone else in the same kind rebound I was involved in, and yet something more casual would be a completely new thing for me, and I'm just not sure I'm wired for casual anyway (by casual I mean relationships with intentionally un-even levels of physical and emotional intimacy). Then again, sometimes I just want to fuck someone, so go figure. This post is not going to be about answers, I guess, just a mess of questions.

And so, here I am. Lonely, horny, tired, depressed, and not trusting my emotions enough to feel able to do anything about it without hurting myself or someone else in the process. If I post this, it will be because I've decided to act on my conviction that one way or another the best way to move forward is with all of my emotional cards on the table.

Once upon a time I had a very helpful therapist that I saw "as needed" (which was one of the more helpful things about his approach). It's been ages, but I guess it's time to seek some outside advice again. Left a message this morning. We'll see. Going to try and go to bed early tonight, and maybe that will help too. In the mean-time, other advice and commiseration is welcome. Be honest. Smack me upside the head if you think I need it.

Edit Ugh. already I'm wanting to take this post down and write it all off as not having gotten enough sleep. I don't know what the fuck is going on. =:(