Remembering an end

[usernamenumber]

Today would have been Sequoia and I's ninth anniversary, which means it's been just over a year since the divorce.

I've been awash in thoughts and feelings today. I am happier separate, and would not want things to be different than they are... and yet there's this mixture of loss and shame that I also feel.

I feel the loss not only of the stability and permanence that our marriage had purported to be, but of the things I fell in love with about her. I think of her smile and the memories of a hundred little moments from when we were in college and I was first being struck by that force that is her personality come flooding in, and then I start to cry, filtering out for a while the troubles, even back then, and the baggage that eventually made our relationship untenable.

The shame I feel is about the naivete and presumption of claiming a life partner at age 21 after six months of dating. Yes, yes, I know that shame does no good and that it's silly to be ashamed, etc etc, and I'm not letting it get to me too much, but imagine looking back on your version of what so many say is the happiest, most momentous event of their lives and thinking, "what a fool I was", knowing that you'll both probably bear scars for a long time because of it.

I want to say that, for all that, I still believe I'm better for the experience, including its end (and even some of the scars), but then again, who knows? It's not like I have the slightest clue where paths-not-taken would have led, so I suppose the only question of any merit is "am I happy with who and where I am?", and for the most part, the answer to that is "yes".

It was a bumpy, bruisy trip, but here we are. I'm happy where I am and excited to see where she's going. Sometimes, though, I wish I wasn't watching from quite so far away. It's awkward, the hedgehog's dilemma. There are so many old wounds, and the people we helped each other become are too different for us to be close the way we were, but attempts so far to even reach somewhere in the middle have tended to open up the floodgates of pent-up feelings and un-resolved issues. Too many land-mines. And yet... I really miss the parts of her I don't hate, for lack of a less cynical way of putting it. I miss my friend.

Comments

[unwoman.livejournal.com]

Ack, it's been about a year since my marriage fell apart too. In some ways I'm in exactly the same place about it as you, in some ways our situations are very different. I am with you on the naivete of choosing a partner too young. And in the pain of watching... though that's weird in my case, as we've not spoken to each other, as far as I know he actively hates me, and he recently friends-locked his LJ so I can't read it pensively every month or so when I have an itch to. He made it easy to hate him back for a while, but just in the last couple weeks I've missed having him as a friend too.

For maybe the first time ever, I'm actually sincere when I say *hugz* (meaning I wish I was hugging you right now!)

[usernamenumber.livejournal.com]

Thanks and ditto. I don't know the details of what went on between you an Buz, but it doesn't really matter. I figure any people who've made that commitment and then had it... not, for whatever reason, have some common ground, and the sympathy is appreciated. Hugs to you too.

[shibakiei.livejournal.com]

Today is my parent's anniversary as well.

Thank you

[fiatlouis.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing, and being so candid out here on the Internet. As someone who was part of that joyful event, and who was friend with you both pre-couple-dom, I can sympathize, but I feel like anything I say would be. . . not right, somehow. So, may I just say, that I am happy to still be in contact with both of you, and happy that you have been able to help each other grow, even if it was into two people who didn't work as a married couple. Keep up the awesome.

[juldea.livejournal.com]

These are a bunch of hugs from me to you. *HUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGSHUGS*