Day Three

[usernamenumber]

Doing better. Not over it, and don't expect to be soon, but remaining... relatively at-peace after Tues night. My ability to adapt to new circumstances (or, if you like, short emotional memory) has surprised me enough times in the past that I've come to appreciate and rely on it in times of need, and so far it's been seeing me through.

Spent Weds night, which would normally have been our date night, at Diesel visiting with friends and, with the assistance of a thai iced tea, finally cut through the ADD fog and actually got some work done, which at least alleviated some stress in other areas of my life. Bonus points for mostly-completing in a matter of hours a task I was concerned could take days to get right.

For some reason my body decided it would be a swell idea to wake up at 4 this morning ravenously hungry. No idea what's up with that, but if that's the worst of it then hey, I'm not complaining.

She left the ball in my court re communication, and I think I'll be at a point where I can talk to her soon. It isn't bitterness or animosity keeping me from doing so sooner, quite the opposite in fact. I want to keep her in my life as a friend, but to do that honestly I have to quit her first. I have to be confident that contact with her is not going to be like having "just one more beer...", because that wouldn't be good for anyone. Things are complicated by the fact that even during the breakup conversation she said that she wanted to date me "casually", and that the problem was that I wanted to date her "seriously". Vague as those terms are, she's right, but I can't be in a relationship in which my heart some has some sort of invisible fence around it, which I think she saw before I did, and that's why she called it off instead of trying some sort of awkward compromise. In any case, at this point it would take a hell of a lot of work for me to have any sense of security in the relationship any more. I can't just be there to keep someone company.

I feel the need to point out, lest I look (or allow myself to become) completely starry-eyed with regard to the past, that our relationship was not perfect. There were things I could nitpick about, just as with any relationship. I want that to be said, but not with a sense of sour grapes because on the whole those grapes were still awfully sweet to me. There were a lot of things that "just worked", at least from my perspective, and maybe it's my ego talking, trying to make sense of things, but I sometimes wonder whether that was part of the problem; maybe things just working wasn't what she needed. Maybe I'm the (metaphorically speaking) clean-cut nice guy, when what she's been waiting for is the guy that shows up on a motorcycle with a leather jacket, bad attitude and hidden heart of gold, which it's true just isn't my style. That's one way my mind is trying to sort it all out, at least. A simpler and less literary explanation points out that I was a rebound for her, and that she kind of was for me too, and so maybe we both just need to be on our own. It's a thing I hope we'll talk about someday, maybe when the wounds are less fresh.

Anyway, shifting focus, lover to friend. Current strategy: She is who she is and the way I feel about the things I like best is not going to change. Thus, re-framing, rather than re-defining: She is a rare prize that someday someone else will get, with whom she will be happier, and good on that person when it happens. In the mean-time, I like her and she likes me and trying to bury that completely is dumb, not to mention impossible without one of us moving or becoming a social hermit or something.

Seems like a good strategy, all sensible and noble from up here in my head. Implementation... I guess we'll see. That involves the heart, and hearts can be scary and inconvenient things. Knowing that it's in both of our self-interests helps. And there's also this nagging voice, holding on to the eternal escape route of "who knows what the future will bring?". And indeed, who does? So I don't dare squash it completely, but... "proceed with caution" becomes the phrase of the day. Excuse me while I get some neon for the sign...

Comments

[aries-walker.livejournal.com]

Going from dating seriously to dating casually has never worked for me, nor (as far as I know) for anyone I have ever known ever.

Consciously shifting from girlfriend to friend, however, has. Often. Many great lifelong friendships have started that way, and there can still be much love between you - it will just be a different kind of love. This, I believe, is the path of wisdom.

You're handling this exceptionally well. Power and manhugs to you.

[aries-walker.livejournal.com]

Listen to Glacier Slug. Glacier Slug is wise.

[faerieboots.livejournal.com]

I know it's tempting, but you are probably better off if you don't spend time (to the extent it's possible to avoid it) wondering what "went wrong" in this context. Feelings are fickle, insubstantial things which sometimes allude us no matter how hard we try to grasp them, and are usually impossible to track using rules of logic. Attempting this will only lead to you doubting yourself, and right now, that's frustration you just don't need...

[truthspeaker.livejournal.com]

Gah. Just catching up on all this.

It can sometimes be easier to shift gears (relationship to friendship or such) if there's time in between for you to let your feelings run their course first. During this time, your reactions to her can change such that it would be easier to change gears later.

How long this takes varies, but it always seems to take longer than we'd like.

You have my condolences. Plus, you're also welcome for socialization or games sometime.

[hermitgeecko.livejournal.com]

I'm just catching up. I'm sorry to hear about this. I hope that, however this works out, it works out for the best for you both, and that you are surrounded by comfort and support.