Wow, I am living the sterotype.

[usernamenumber]

Cried self to sleep*... check.
Found self saying "I'll never have something like that again"**... check.
Unable to see self in another relationship any time soon... check.


* Well, technically cried self to insomnia, then got up and worked on projects until passing out a couple of hours later, but it involved enough sobbing and self-pity that the emolympic judges have accepted it.

** Sure, it's no "Woe, I shall never love again", but it was awarded a 7/10 for at least paying homage to the classics.


Huh.

It's funny, even during the worst of it, and though I make light now it was really bad, there was still a bit of me that was... watching the rest of me, and saying things like "Wow, I've never done this before! The breadth of experience that my life encompasses is expanding! My story is made fuller by this! Maybe someday I'll be a real boy after all!".

...yeah, I don't entirely get that last bit either, but it actually did go through my head. For the sake of my dignity I've left out the parts where my inner-monologue spoke in terms of XP. Sigh.

So...

- Found the emotion. Lots of it.

- ...But apparently don't experience even that without some part of me disconnectedly analyzing.

- Not complaining about that phenomenon, just having... kind of an uneven mix of amusement, confusion... and a bit of worry about what it implies.

- Feeling better. Not "over it", but much more... at peace. Not sure how long it will last, but I do have the sense that I got a lot out of my system last night.

- Thanks to everyone who has offered hugs and support.

- Really wish I could concentrate, so I could at least be distracted by work for a while. =:\

Comments

[arachne8x.livejournal.com]

Most of us do that kind of inner monologue analyzing. It's an attempt to do something useful with the experience. Everyone experiences loss differently, find something that can make you get wrapped up in something else.. play rock band or just head bang to something loud and angry.

[oakenguy.livejournal.com]

When Stephen Spielberg's girlfriend broke up with him, he ran to the bathroom with his camera so he could film his face.

Have have no idea why this factoid has comforted me so much over the years, but it has.

[slyviolet.livejournal.com]

That is amazing. Thank you for passing it along.

[ryca.livejournal.com]

I believe that one of the "big" scenes in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" was based on a real experience in Jason Segal's life, and he apparently spent the whole experience thinking "I have to write this down, it's going to be so funny" even though he was devastated at the time.

I just saw the movie "Lady In The Water", which apparently 99% of all people in the world hated (even the ones who didn't see it), but I LOVED it, and part of what I loved was the element of people trying to figure out what part of a story they were. That resonated with me so much.

[faerieboots.livejournal.com]

I am glad you are feeling at least somewhat better!

Regarding the mix of emo and processing: when Josh broke up with me (before you met me, it's a whole story I can tell you some other time if you are interested) I did the same exact thing. Even down to a small part of my brain realizing, while he was in the process of dumping me, "If he breaks up with me and I am up late, I should probably skip school tomorrow. Good thing I didn't finish that Property assignment." Afterwards, I spent a lot of time doing the emo things you described while simultaneously thinking about the nature of human relationships, and about what depth of experiences meant. As time went on, I also did a lot of "a year ago we were [social/emotional place]" which I'm not sure is quite standard but I found very useful for comparison's sake.

Anyway, my point (and I do have one!) is that I think the mixture of emotional response and analysis is probably really common among people in this social circle, or indeed among any group of people that have been trained to carefully analyze things. I don't think your mix of responses implies anything at all except that you are going through healthy emotional and logical responses.

[hntrpyanfar.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

As a fellow self-analyzer, I get it. :)

[redfishie.livejournal.com]

"Wow, I've never done this before! The breadth of experience that my life encompasses is expanding! My story is made fuller by this! Maybe someday I'll be a real boy after all!".

It's a coping mechanism. I do it too. It lets the back part of your brain process. I find that I also need some sort of mindless distraction, just so time will pass, and my hind brain can process a bit.

ymmv. i mean if you need a facial, a tub of ice cream and a bunch of action movies, I completely get that too. if you do need something, or just distraction, feel free to ask.

[aries-walker.livejournal.com]

I'm not very good at this, so excuse me in advance.

In my experience, one of the most reliable indicators as to whether a guy is or isn't a "good man" (as they say) is how he handles a crushing break-up for which he is the breakee. Some guys go blind with rage or get shitfaced drunk or refuse to get the message or any combination of the three. Blecch. Guys who are sad, who grieve but listen and understand that love means that you want what's best for them, even if it isn't you, are the good ones, almost without fail. Good as friends, good as confidants, good as fellow LARPers, good as colleagues, good as business partners, good as a future catch for some other lucky girl someday, good as men, good as people.

You're a good man, Charlie Brown.

As an aside, this is reinforced by reading your list of LJ tags off to the right side of this page. Heh.

[usernamenumber.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the kind words. They are appreciated. As for the tags, it's the gay porn, right? Every now and then someone notices the gay porn tag. =;)

[aries-walker.livejournal.com]

Actually, the first one that caught my metaphorical eye was that you had a whole tag devoted to Simon Pegg. :)

[elusiveat.livejournal.com]

"Wow, I've never done this before! The breadth of experience that my life encompasses is expanding! My story is made fuller by this! Maybe someday I'll be a real boy after all!".

Get out of my head. ; )

[siralexander.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear it, dude.

[laurion]

You've not done that before? Interesting.

I've had that process even when I was the one doing the breaking up. I wonder what event that is in the emolympics.

[usernamenumber.livejournal.com]

The crying myself to sleep thing? No. My prior breakups (all four of them), have all tended to be more... protracted, and have happened at a time when, on some level, I was ready for them. They were hard, and in the one case in which I was the one initiating it, there was much fretting and hand-wringing, but never this... immediacy of emotion.

[zombie-dog.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: I simultaneously empathize strongly with what you are going through and also understand that our experiences are very personal and can't really be compared.

In short, you have my support and this is crappy and hard.